remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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