and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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