Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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