my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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