come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
