oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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