Soap is not a condiment
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm sobbing to NWA
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
