dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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