I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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