Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
