i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
