Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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