so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
