peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
