Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
