Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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