Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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