He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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