I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
