Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
