the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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