Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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