turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
