wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
