his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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