So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
