That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
