dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
