I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
