took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
