so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
