Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
