Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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