once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
