my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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