She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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