I feel great
I just peed on a car
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
