Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
