i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
