can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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