John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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