The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Drake has all the answers
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
