you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
