When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
