my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
