that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
