just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
