you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
