I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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