trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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