I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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