not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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