My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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