Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
