allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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