After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
