ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
