why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
