i was rollin on her like bob the builder
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
