so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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